WHEN BRETHREN OFFEND

By Michael K. Farrar, O.D.

© God’s Breath Publications

 

We’ve all, at one time or another, been offended by a fellow Brother or Sister in Christ. The question is how do we deal with these offenses that occur, whether intentional or unintentional? In a perfect world no one would offend anyone or if they did, they would easily deal with the issue, resolve it, and go on with serving our Lord. Of course we don’t live in a perfect world and therefore problems develop many times. The real issue is very often we don’t deal with the offense properly, get frustrated with the confrontation process, or expect our wounded emotions to heal quicker than they do. So what do we do as Christians when a Brother or Sister offends us in some way? Let me share some ideas and scripture that might throw light on this.

 

In I John 1:9 10, we have an amazing and challenging statement. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.” This would appear to imply that we may continue to sin as Christians, even after we have committed our lives to the Lord Jesus Christ. I am sure you will agree with me that this is absolutely and completely true. I know that if we were to evaluate our lives daily, we could all come up with a list of offenses and sins we have committed for that particular day. While Christ has paid the debt for our sins, we must acknowledge that none of us are perfect. The Christian life is a journey, and we will stumble and fall as we travel towards our goal of being made in the likeness of Christ. We are forgiven for all our sins, past, present and future, when we accept our Savior. But, we must confess sins we commit against God and our fellow Christians on a daily basis to mend the relationship we have with both God and others.

 

Unfortunately a problem can arise when we do not take ownership of offenses we commit against our Brothers and Sisters or sometimes we can be unaware of such offenses.

 

In the first case, we may sense we have offended someone and either our conscience or the Holy Spirit may bring this to our attention. Sometimes the person we have transgressed against may themselves, confront us with our sin. A problem arises when we deny our responsibility to ask for forgiveness. Usually such a response comes from letting our pride rule our decisions. Pride will cause us to avoid being humble and admit our mistakes. We may say we fear the response of the other person if we admit our offense, but ultimately pride is probably the dominant reason for avoiding confessing our mistake and asking for forgiveness.

 

In the second case, sometimes we sin against a fellow believer and are absolutely and completely unaware of it. This situation requires those who have been offended to approach us and speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Matthew 18:15 speaks of this when it says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Those who have been offended must approach their offender with humbleness and love and inform them of the offense. The offended must be ready to forgive quickly and completely. Matthew 6:14 15 speaks of this when it says, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” Jesus set our example while on the cross. He forgave those who crucified Him, because He knew they didn’t know what they were doing. In Luke 23:34 Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

 

Those we offend must have an attitude of forgiveness when they approach us and tell us of our sin. We, on the other hand, must respond in like manner. We must attempt to avoid defending ourselves or lashing out at them, which is very easy to do. We must admit that if we have wronged someone, even if it was unintentional, the sin was still committed.

 

Unless we forgive others and ask for forgiveness when we offend we impact our relationship with our Lord. Mark 11:25 states, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” We must seek to keep our horizontal relationships with others pure as much as our vertical relationship with our Heavenly Father.

 

Now this all seems simple, and in a way it is, but life gets complicated unfortunately. What if our Brother or Sister continues to sin against us even when we have continued to forgive him or her? Matthew 18:21 22 shares about this when it says, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy seven times.” This statement is quite a challenge. This means if a brother sins against you many, many times, you must always be able to forgive him. The intent of this scripture, I believe, is not say that we are to become doormats for our fellow Christians. While we are told to turn the other cheek when offended, even Jesus did not do this when offended once. In John 18:22 23 Jesus is struck by a high priest, listen to the conversation, “When Jesus said this, one of the officials nearby struck him in the face. “Is this the way you answer the high priest?” he demanded. ‘If I said something wrong,’ Jesus replied, ‘testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?’” Now while I am sure Jesus forgave the High Priest for his actions, Jesus’ actions also teach us something about the need to confront those who offend us. Jesus did not turn the other cheek, He did not verbally tell the high priest He forgave him for striking Him. Instead He questions the violent action because it was a sin against Him and not appropriate. Sometimes we must respectfully but humbly confront our Christian Brothers and Sisters to inform them how we have been offended.

 

Now let us return to our discussion of Matthew 18 and how we are to forgive our fellow believers. When Jesus tells us to forgive those who offend us seventy seven times, He is speaking of the attitude of forgiveness we are to have at all times with our Brothers and Sisters. When a Brother or Sister continues to offend or sin against us we are to follow Matthew 18. Remember Matthew 18:15 I shared before, “If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” Matthew goes on to help us with those Brothers and Sisters who continue to sin against us even after we have approached them and forgiven them, Matthew 18:16 17 says, “But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Now this verse is not giving us license to gather our friends and attack a Christian Brother or Sister we don’t like. Nor is it condoning Christians seeking to wage verbal wars against one another using the justification that they have sinned against each another. The intent is that when a Christian Brother or Sister continues to sin in an area even when confronted, that Brothers and Sisters should come along their side to convict him or her of their sin so that they can restore fellowship.

 

The harsh statement that ends the verse concerning lack of repentance (treat them as a pagan or tax collector) means that if they are truly not repentant and not willing to humble themselves, the Church Body needs to be protected. The result of prideful and non-repentant believers in a Church Body can cause horrible damage to the fellowship. While God is patient and forgiving, as we should be, He is not willing to sacrifice an entire Church Body for one believer failing to repent of sin. While God is always willing to save the one lost sheep, He also wants us to guard the safety of the other sheep in the flock as well. Sometimes saving the lost sheep means we must show them the seriousness of their sin by confrontation.

 

So to summarize what we are to do when a Christian offends us.

 

1. Remember we all sin therefore we must be anxious to forgive others. Forgive the offense if possible and through prayer ask God to heal your wounds.

 

2. If the offense is serious enough or is of a repetitive nature, a confrontation needs to take place. Pray first, forgive the person, and then approach them with humbleness. Be sure to share that you have already forgiven them and simply want to mend the relationship and let them know how they have offended you.

 

3. If the Christian Brother or Sister continues to sin against you. Continue to forgive them and when possible confront them with their sin. If they are not responsive or repentant, bring others with you who have prayed about the situation, are mature in Christ, and agree that several Christians must confront the Brother or Sister.

 

4. If the offender still does not repent, it would be wise to seek out your Pastor or Elder to deal with the matter to see if more confrontation is necessary and to take any further steps of reconciliation or church discipline.

 

Luke 17:3 4

“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”

 

Luke 6:36 37

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”