SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE

By Michael K. Farrar, O.D.

© God’s Breath Publications

 

Following is a true story from my experiences during my Optometric Training at Pacific University at the Portland Vision Center

 

 “Mike, come here. I need to tell you something.”

 

“What is it?”  I replied.

 

“You smell!” said my friend

 

My fellow classmate’s words were hard to take. There I was in the optometry clinic in Portland, Oregon and I’m being told that I smell. I told him that I had noticed a faint odor during the morning and had determined that it was my shirt. I didn’t think it was that noticeable, but apparently I was wrong. I admitted to him that either I had not used enough soap in the washing machine or I had let the clothes sit too long in the washer before drying them. Whichever “bachelor washing technique” had caused the problem, there was nothing I could do. I borrowed some aftershave and attempted to make it through the rest of the day trying not to feel too self-conscious.

 

We have all been in similar situations where we were confronted or had to confront someone else with the truth. The situations and issues are numerous and varied, but life is full of them. It is almost a given that as we have relationships with others we will be called upon at one time or another to confront issues that are awkward or delicate. The way this confrontation is done can have drastic affects on relationships as well as the spiritual well being of the persons involved.

 

Scripture addresses confrontational issues within the context of the love we have for each other. This love is based both on our love for God and the love He has shown us. Ephesians chapter 4 lays out some instructions for proper behavior for Christians. Children of God should demonstrate humility and gentleness in their relationships with each other. One of the most important reasons for stable and loving relationships between Christians is to preserve the unity we have in the Spirit within the church. Ephesians 4 goes on to say that the unity we have in our relationships is built upon the unity we have in our faith. It also states that God laid out an organizational structure for the church to encourage mature loving relationships between those that call Jesus their Lord. The outcome of striving for unity in our relationships and serving in our local church according to our abilities is mature Christian faith. When we seek to develop mature faith, we are not led astray by false doctrine, sidetracked by schemes of people or tempted to treat one another inappropriately. “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Ephesians 4:15

 

But what is, “speaking the truth in love?” Possibly there is a reason these two concepts are mentioned together. Possibly truth and love provide balance.

 

 

Truth is extremely important to God.  John 17:17 states that “God’s Word is truth.” Jesus said in John 4:24 that God’s worshipers will “worship Him in spirit and in truth.” Paul shares in Romans 2:8 that those who reject truth will face punishment for such a choice. Truth is reality. Truth is necessary for vibrant and healthy relationships, whether it be with God or each other. But problems can arise if truth is shared without the covering of love. Truth outside the context of love can be simply cruel judgment.

 

Many times we can seek to confront people with truth to get revenge or to manipulate. Truth shared with the wrong motives has little hope of being received. Blunt truth shared with no concern for the other person can wound and damage a relationship. Love acts as a buffer to encourage both the gentle delivery and the willing acceptance of truth. Love will temper the emotions of all involved as truth is shared. 1 Corinthians 13 explains the type of love that should be present when truth is shared in a relationship.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,  6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

 

1 John 3:18 also instructs us how to love; “let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.” We should not love others only with words but especially with actions and always in truth. It has been said that “actions speak louder than words.” Many times the actions we take will speak the truth in love more than the actual words we might say.

 

Loving others without being truthful can be just as damaging. Truth brings accountability and standards by which we should live as God’s children. A true friend will dare to confront in love to prevent harm coming to a loved one or to preserve a friendship. Christians are called to live truthfully and honestly before all men. Loving involves holding each other accountable to a truthful honest lifestyle. True love is willing to care enough to confront with truth. If we love, but are unwilling to share truth with those we care about, we have failed to love properly.

 

Speaking the truth in love means balancing the deep sensitive love we have for someone with the need to speak the truth they need to hear. What preparation can we do to make sure we speak the truth in love?

 

First we need to determine if the matter at hand is something that needs confronting with our personal attention. Sometimes we rush into a situation attempting to intervene when God or others are better suited to address it. God may be dealing with the other person and we need to let God work in His wisdom, timing and love. Sometimes someone, other than us, may be closer to the person and they would be a more appropriate choice for sharing the truth. Some situations are best dealt with by simply taking the matter to God in prayer. God can work wonders through simple petitions of prayers for someone to see the truth. If we have been offended in a situation by someone else, our first response should be to forgive. Matthew 18:21-22 sets a standard by which we are to generously forgive those who offend us.

 

 “Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

 

We should never seek to confront someone about the truth of an offense unless we have sought to forgive him or her first. Sometimes we may be led to forgive someone and never actually confront him or her because our forgiveness is enough. I Peter 4:8 speaks of how our love covers a multitude of sins and sometimes our willingness to forgive is all that is necessary to continue on with our relationship with those that offend us.

 

Secondly, if we do choose to speak the truth in love to someone, we must ask ourselves how we would like to be approached with such truth. What manner of confrontation would help us receive truth with the least trauma and the most acceptance? Truth can hurt at times and while we don’t want to make light of it, we can soften the blow with our love, concern and honesty.

 

 

Thirdly, prayer before sharing of truth is always necessary and wise. Through prayer we can ask God to help us share truth in love. God may also convict us through prayer of our motives for sharing such truth. While the truth may need to be shared, we must pray for guidance in the timing, location and manner in which it is done.

 

Fourthly, seeking wise counsel from someone with more experience or maturity in Christ can be beneficial. Proverbs 15:22 speaks of the wisdom of receiving wise counsel.

 

 “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.”

 

Sometimes advice from another can prevent a catastrophe in a relationship by seeing the situation from a different perspective. Wise counsel may give us alternative ideas on how to approach a friend with a truth that needs to be shared. We need to be careful with seeking counsel on issues of relationships though. Sometimes such discussions are nothing more than attempts to justify gossip. Cautiously weigh out if someone else needs to know of the situation and carefully select those to seek counsel from.

 

Lastly we should always be prepared to discover that we might have misjudged a situation or the actions of another. Sometimes the need to speak the truth is obvious for the sin is apparent; at other times we may find out that what appeared as a sin was simply a misunderstanding. Only God has perfect judgment and sometimes we can have the facts wrong. This is another reason for us to approach speaking the truth in love humbly and with care.

 

Speaking the truth in love is a skill we can all improve on. If we pray, seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and above all proceed with love we will go a long way in nurturing our relationships with others and our Savior.

 

1 John 4:7‑8

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

 

James 5:19‑20

“My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”