COPING WITH GRIEF

By Michael K. Farrar, O.D.

© God’s Breath Publications

 

Psalms 10:14

“But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;

you consider it to take it in hand.

The victim commits himself to you;”

 

We all, at one time or another, face a situation in our life that can cause us to grieve. Many times we can grieve over simple things that at the time do not seem so simple. Sometimes we can experience a life shattering loss that seems to take over our whole being. No matter how simple or complex the situation, the intensity of the grief experienced can often be overwhelming.

 

In Luke 4:18-19 Jesus said, “He has sent me to heal the broken hearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressors, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to Him.” Jesus came that we might have life and live it abundantly. He came to die for our sins, but also to teach us how to live a Godly life. Living as a child of God is learning how to cope with life itself. It has been said that grief is the price we pay for the privilege of having relationships.

 

In John 11 we find the account of Jesus weeping at the death of His friend Lazarus. It seems peculiar for Jesus to weep in such a situation. He had the power to raise Lazarus from the grave and He did do this later. So why did Jesus weep? We can only guess, but possibly it was to show us that it is normal and natural to grieve at the loss of a loved one. It demonstrated that Jesus understands the depth of our emotions when we lose someone we love dearly. In our own grieving we can turn to our Lord and Savior and know that He knows intimately what we are going through.

 

We all deal with grief in different ways. There are a wide variety of reactions to grief. Possible Responses to Grief include:

 

Illness, Lethargy, Promiscuity, “Busy Syndrome”, Disbelief, Memory Lapse, Emptiness, Guilt, Crying Spell, Restlessness, Shaking, Waves of Grief, Anger, Hallucinations, Feeling Deprived, Withdrawing from People, Constant Talking about the Person, Lack of Concentration, Sighing, Pressure in the Chest, Confusion, Loneliness, Fear, The ‘If Only’s’, Insomnia, Sore Muscles, Lump in the Throat, Nightmares.

 

The Three Stages of Grief

 

Shock

           

Grief often manifests first as shock or numbness. Grief has its own anesthetic, a kind of flowing in and out of reality. People dealing with the initial stage of grief might appear stunned or immobile. It’s like just going through the motions of daily life. The reality of the loss has stunned you and you are overwhelmed at first in your efforts to deal with it. Weeping and writing are good therapies for you in this stage. Be honest with yourself and recognize that there is nothing wrong with crying. It is a normal and needed response in dealing with grief. Begin to write down your feelings in a journal to express yourself and let out your grief.

 

Suffering

 

The suffering stage can be very painful emotionally and can be very draining physically. In this stage of grief, you have accepted the reality of the loss and now you are attempting to deal with it, but you are consciously experiencing the grief in many ways. All sorts of emotions are possible during this time. Anger, depression, frustration are all possible manifestations of grief as well as others listed above. It is especially important during this time to continue weeping and writing, but also to add in exercise, talking to others and especially praying. You need to continue to release your emotions in positive ways and share your grief and needs with others at this time. Exercise can be very beneficial during this stage due to the stress on your body. Exercise will keep you in mental, emotional and physical shape as you struggle to handle your suffering.

 

Release

           

Release is the beginning of recovery or becoming a new ‘normal.’ This is the final stage of grief, where you have handled your grief and are preparing for living with the loss you have experienced. It does not mean you will not have some experiences with recurring emotions or remembrances. What it does mean is that you will be dealing with these emotions and feelings in a more effective and positive manner. Release is realizing that life goes on, that there are other relationships to be made, other ministries God has in store for you and that you are a valuable and unique person that others depend on and God loves.

 

Additional Way to Release Your Grief

 

Explore your strengths and weaknesses. Encourage yourself in your strengths; work on your weaknesses and pray for God to help you manage them.

 

Embrace solitude. Learn that in a world full of crowds, we must learn to live with ourselves. Solitude does not mean you are alone. You are simply away from others. God is always with you in your solitude.

 

Be thankful. Believe it or not, there are always more things to be thankful for than things to be complaining or bitter about. Seek to see all the ways that God has blessed you with things to be thankful for.

 

Learn to do things alone. Learn to enjoy having fun with yourself. Being at ease with yourself helps you have fun and relate to others you come in contact with.

 

Talk about your loss in a normal way. Seek to be able to talk about the cause of your grief in positive, constructive ways. Avoid the morbid, depressive, negative discussions that can occur. Learn to deal more realistically and healthy with your loss.

 

Enjoy memories. God has blessed us with a brain that is capable of tremendous storage capacity. Use that gift of memory to remember the good times you had before your loss. Cherish those moments; they can never be taken away from you.

 

Be able to be on the receiving end without feeling like you have to earn it. Try to foster an attitude of being willing to be ministered to, while at the same time seeking to minister to others. Allow others to minister to you and thank them for it.

 

Learn to love again. The loss of a loved one, a pet or parents in a divorce can cause us to avoid loving others again. Loving is necessary to us as people. To be at peace with yourself, others and God requires you to learn to love again.

 

Have great compassion for others in pain and gain understanding of their situation. One of the best things you can do for your own healing is to reach out to others in need. Seek to pray or serve others who are facing similar problems. In these ministry opportunities, you will be pulled out of yourself and will receive a wider outlook on what life is all about.

 

Have your own identity. Set standards for yourself on what is valuable and important for you. Establish standards that will build your self-esteem and while promoting your independence, will also foster a dependence on God.

 

Therapeutic Adjectives

 

Below are some adjectives that you might apply towards yourself. This is not meant for your self-glorification. It is meant to build your self-esteem and worth. As you pray for God to work through His Spirit to heal your grief, we often need to help ourselves realize the positive traits and gifts that God has created in us.

 

Say, “I am very important, I am…”

 

Able, Accepting, Brave, Calm, Caring, Cheerful, Confident, Consistent, Courageous, Courteous, Devoted, Diligent, Discreet, Enduring, Encouraging, Energetic, Fair, Faithful, Flexible, Forgiving, Friendly, Fun, Generous, Graceful, Grateful, Growing, Healthy, Honorable, Innocent, Likable, Loyal, Mature, Meek, Modest, Moral, Natural, Neat, Nice, Open, Optimistic, Patient, Peaceful, Persistent, Pleasant, Polite, Relaxed, Secure, Sensible, Serious, Tactful, and Warm.

 

Nehemiah 8:10

“Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”